Advice For the Child Free: Save It.

Not everyone young adult without kids thinks they’d be better at parenting than parents. Just the ones who see me out with my kid.

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Being out in public with your kid can be truly hair raising.
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“A Prank Only a Mother Could Love” By Chris Zito

My mother bore five children. My sister, the oldest, then four boys in a row. She was outnumbered for sure. My Dad got himself plenty of free labor. Mom got lots of piratical jokes. We were a pain in her ass.


“When you boys finish there go inside and harass your mother.”

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“We’re Building Something” By Chris Zito

This past weekend we took our nearly six-year old son, Vince, to the Drive-in. Yep, they’re still a few of them out there. You just need to look around a little.


Who doesn’t love the Drive-In? The owner of the Multiplex!

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“On a Dime” By Chris Zito

When kids are little it’s easy to cheer them up. You can kiss their boo-boo, give them ice cream, or sometimes wait a few minutes and everything changes. Most children under eight are basically bi-polar.


There’s no height requirement for
the emotional roller coaster.

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“Officer Daddy” By Chris Zito

I’ve crossed over from just playmate into the dreaded land of the enforcer. My five-year old needs constant reminders of what is next and what we expect of him. I sound more and more like a cop dealing with a drunk than a sweet Daddy.


“Sir, is this your Bakugon on the floor? Sir?”

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“T-Ball Redux” By Chris Zito

Vince’s t-ball team has seven boys on it. Having volunteered to help out I showed up at the first practice found out there were four of us coaches. I offered to bow out, but the head coach said, “No, we need you.” He was right. Halfway through practice it struck me that we should probably recruit a few more parents.


This guy’s group is definitely easier to organize than seven 5-year-olds.

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“Quest For Johnny” By Chris Zito

Vince has moved on from Scooby-Do and has become obsessed with all things SpongeBob. There is much debate among parents over whether this is appropriate viewing for five year olds. After all, they protest, Squidward calls people bad names like “idiot” and “stupid.” But as I always point out to my son, Squidward is never happy, never really ever successful unless he accepts help. He’s not exactly a bad guy, but he reaps what he sows.


Is five too young to learn that some guys are just assholes?

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