Advice For the Child Free: Save It.

Not everyone young adult without kids thinks they’d be better at parenting than parents. Just the ones who see me out with my kid.

Being out in public with your kid can be truly hair raising.

They see angry parents in a store and think, “I’ll never grab my child by the elbow that way!”
Yes you will. You will most definitely grab your child by the elbow that way. Because if you grab them by the throat you’ll be arrested!

Yes, the cops are coming. But until then…

They read about making sure kids get plenty of exercise and think, “I’ll never use the television as a babysitter.”
Yes you will. Or else you’ll never talk on the phone uninterrupted. Or have a hot shower in peace. Or even take a shit in private. That’s right, non-parent. Didn’t think of that did you? Horrifying I know.

Daddy? Daddy? Daddy! Daddy!” (I should’ve taken this dump at work.)

Non parents remain unconvinced. “What did parents do before television?” they ask. I’ll tell you what they did. They sat their kids in front of the radio. And before that? They sat their kids in front of the fire.

“You kids watch the fire. Mommy’s got some gathering to do.
But don’t sit too close. You’ll burn your eyes out.” 

And the biggest assumption of all is that whenever I have children, I’ll never feed them fast food, or processed food, or sugar, or anything else that every other kid in this neighborhood or at that school eats. This is often the mom with a shelf full of Happy Meal toys by the time the kid is two.

Don’t worry. If you keep these in mint condition they’ll worth almost
nine dollars someday! 

We all like to think we know what we’ll do whenever we’re faced with a new situation. We don’t. It’s new. Parenting is hard. If we fly off the handle and drag our kid out of a store it’s okay. Maybe more than okay. Maybe the kid really did have it coming. And if you have a friend whose kid watches too much TV, offer to babysit. Or shut it.
And if we occasionally hit the drive through then…well, there’s really no good excuse for that other than when they ask enough every now and then you just want to tell them yes.


3 Responses

  1. You are so hilarious, Zito! And isn’t it true that the ones without kids always seem to be the ones who REALLY know how to parent? Or so they THINK…

  2. Reblogged this on Michelle McHatton and commented:
    Zito makes some hilarious points in this blog post!

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