“Wild Phone Chase” By Chris Zito

After lunch I reached for my phone to call my wife and let her know how my annual physical had gone. It had gone fine, but she wanted to hear about the blood work, the recent sinus infection, and if the doctor and I had plans to continue a more intimate relationship after the prostate exam. Good, gone, and absolutely not.

Luckily my primary care physician had done his residency
with the TSA so he was an experienced prober.

Wait, where’s the phone? Oh I must have left it on the kitchen counter. Not there. Upstairs. Office, bathroom, bedroom. Oh please, did I leave it in the car? I hate that, especially during winter. Not in the car. Okay. Hold on here. Did I use it since the doctor’s office?. Stopped by the pharmacy for a Neti pot (I felt too guilty not getting one after the doctor told me too, but he can’t make me use it!). Came home, had lunch, reached for phone.

“Do you know what it means if we don’t find that phone?
It means scandal! And no email unless I’m at my computer!

For the first time in two years I wished for a land line so I can call the doctor’s office and the drugstore. Nope. Gotta go back. At the doctor’s they were very helpful. They let me back into the same examination room where I’d been briefly and thoroughly poked (better to confront those demons sooner than later anyway) and called the phone for me, all to no avail. At the drugstore the cashier sighed and barely glanced around behind the counter before announcing that no one had turned in a phone. Ever. In the history of CVS. I couldn’t help she’d missed her calling and should be working for the RMV.

“Thank you for calling, how may I misdirect your call?”

I checked the car again in the parking lot of the pharmacy then headed home. I was thinking of the deductible to buy a new phone. January is not a good time for unexpected outlays. I was out of options and finally prayed to St. Anthony, patron saint of things lost.

“Well, well. Looks who’s suddenly Catholic again.”

Okay, St. Anthony has no sympathy for me and I don’t blame him, but my entire career is on that phone. Contacts, schedule, notes, recordings of stand up sets that I’ll never listen to but should, Angry Birds!!! I got home and walked through the back door and there was the phone on the kitchen counter. The same counter I had looked at forty-seven times already looking for the phone. Temporary blindness? St. Anthony? No idea. Now that I have the phone I can really get back to work. I’ve almost mastered level twelve.

Thanks for reading. Tell your pals.
Chris Zito


One Response

  1. Skype yourself!

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