“Man Vs. Garage” By Chris Zito

When it’s a little dank and smelly. When it’s become no place for women or children.
When any search turns into a lost afternoon, it’s time to clean the garage.


“Where’s my Turtle Wax?”

There is now only a narrow pathway from the side door of the garage back to the “extra pantry” as we call it. If we need to grab a couple of rolls of paper towels, we need to navigate carefully. Tread too far to the right and you’ll trip over a pile of snow shovels;  too far to the left and you could bang into some stray lumber. There’s about as much margin for error as the bomb squad.


The neighbors watch in stunned silence as Zito attempts to get to the trash cans.

I resolve to open the garage door and empty the place. I’ll give it a good sweep, brutally chuck any and all non essentials, and rearrange everything in an orderly, safe manner. Old bikes: gone. Siding materials I swore I’d use one day: gone. Those ski boots that no one has ever worn seeing as how none of us ski: gone. Yep, it’s all going. Right after the Fourth of July weekend.


Nothing says “Independence” like a clean garage!

Of course, there’s much preparation to do for the trip south to visit my son and his kids later in July. I don’t want to get too bogged down with a big home project while getting ready to go. I’ll just enjoy the visit and then clean the garage.


This poor guy just cleaned out his garage and is now too tired to enjoy his own vacation.

When we get back it will be early August. The dog days of summer. I’m certain my cardiologist wouldn’t want me doing anything too strenuous in those conditions.  Not to mention back to school shopping for the boy’s big start at kindergarten. This whole thing is better off waiting until after Labor Day. The weather’s cooler, the kid’s in school, the Red Sox are in the pennant race…
Wait a minute! No way I’m going to listen to the stretch run on the radio in the garage when there is a perfectly good hi-def TV in the basement! What is this, 1949?


No doubt these guys had spotless garages.

If the Sox are in the World Series,  now we’re into October.
Followed by Halloween preparations.
Travel again for Thanksgiving… to hell with it. I’ll just clear a path to the snow blower in time for Christmas.

Thanks for reading. Tell your pals.
Chris Zito

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4 Responses

  1. Very funny – even with the suspect use of the word “chuck” as a verb.

  2. Guy with a really messy garage ponders cleaning it. Doesn’t actually clean it. Just ponders. Funny stuff!

  3. Guy with a really messy garage ponders cleaning it. Doesn’t actually clean it. Just ponders. Funny stuff!

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