“Unemployment Study” By Chris Zito

I lost my last gig one year and a day ago today. I’ve been looking for a job,  but not necessarily what most people would call work.  I don’t really work for a living so much as talk for a living. To be perfectly honest, I’m not a fan of work. It doesn’t make me a bad employee. I get things done. I’ve always been good at delegating and finding short cuts. Yet somehow I’ve always managed to put in the hours.


I had my own version that read, “Will look busy for food,”
but never got many donations.

I’ve just completed an exhaustive one year unemployment study using a single test subject (me) and have gleaned the following results:


Proof that the job search has been exhaustive.

Firstly, after the study it was found that 100% of test subjects reported an increase in television viewing. Shocking only in that when I was working, watching television was a big part of the job. Pop culture is what morning radio guys live on for the most part. The difference is now I watch what I want. Which is not Dancing With the Stars. It’sV.


Morena Baccarin doesn’t register with the demographic.

Another change has to with laundry. Now that Kimi is working outside the home and I’m a mostly stay at home Dad, my laundry is now folded less professionally (one of my wife’s specialties is folding like a Gap manager), but separated more thoroughly and rationally. Oh, I’m not complaining. Kimi and I never criticize each others cleaning techniques. Not because of any real consideration for each other, but because in our marriage complaining in tantamount to volunteering to take over a task.


“You really want the delicates separated from the permanent press?
It’s now your permanent job.”

Lastly, I’m definitely seeing more of my little boy. Vince and I do every weekday morning together. Up and at ’em! I pick out his clothes, feed him breakfast, and then, God help me, fix his hair. The kid’s hair is so out of control some mornings it looks like a celebrity mugshot.


Unkempt hair can lead to all sorts of trouble.

These days I’m more self employed than unemployed. Yes, we’re back to the trusty Schedule C!
I make my own hours, still make a living, and best of all, get to fix Vince’s hair every morning.

Thanks for reading. Tell your pals.
Chris Zito



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