“Some Disassembly Required” By Chris Zito

Packaging is completely out of control today.  A generation ago fathers playing Santa only had to worry about assembling toys by Christmas morning. I’m still trying to get some of these damn things out of the box!

My kid is bored with the “try me” button and wants this out of the box already!

Today’s toys often come with two sets of instructions, one for assembly and one for removing the toy from the packaging. There’s the hard plastic that has to be hacked through. This is achieved easily with a setaline torch. I’ve put a call into the local Iron Workers for a qualified welder and am awaiting a call back.

“Don’t worry, Mr. Zito. We’ll have this Spiderman action figure out in jiffy!”

Once the outer shell has been penetrated the toy must then be removed from its anchors. These are generally made of hard plastic twine or thick wiring which wrap around the toy and then threaded through a cardboard backing and tied elaborately around a hard plastic disk of some sort. Some are even held together with a series of screws. Indiana Jones needed fewer steps to get to the Arc of the Covenant.

Once I get Indy out I’m sure he can help.

Finally after cutting, twisting, and unraveling the toy is finally free of its package. The toy weighs four ounces. The packaging weighs eight pounds and fills a tall kitchen garbage bag. I’m leaving a carbon footprint the size of a Sasquatch so my kid can play with Hot Wheels. You would think that would be the end of it and you would be right. Unless the thing needs batteries. Then you’ll need an eyeglass repair size Phillips head screwdriver long enough to reach your wisdom teeth just to open the battery compartment!

That reminds me. I’ve got to fix my glasses so I can see
where the hell the batteries go!

It’s more than a week since Christmas morning and a few things remain encased in their polymer tombs. I’m hoping Vince stays busy with the few things I’ve managed to liberate and loses track of what’s missing. I need more demolition time.

Thanks for reading. Tell your pals.
Chris Zito


2 Responses

  1. Austin has a few unopened ones over here I can send over since you’re now an expert!

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