• Chris Zito

    Funny comedian, radio personality, & writer in the Boston area. Husband, father, one handsome devil.

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“I Know Something You Don’t Know” by Chris Zito

Once Santa stopped coming to our house and Mom and Dad took over buying presents for everyone it wasn’t long before the taunting over Christmas secrets began. Each of us always found out at least something one of the other kids was getting so the announcement of, “I know something you don’t know” quickly became code for “I know whether you got your main request.”

“Is it a Lite Brite?”
“You’ll never get it out of me!”

As the years went by and we were all in some state of grown up-ness and home visiting for the holidays this took on ridiculous proportions. We all had gifts for each other and knew a whole list of stuff other people didn’t know. Sometimes two or three of us would gang up on one of the others for a group taunt.

“What do we know?” “Something!”
“Who doesn’t know it?” “You!”

I’m proud to say that I carried this tradition on with my own children. And it’s not just used at Christmas anymore. I know the exact day my daughter buys me a birthday gift because she’ll call me while driving home from the store to tell me, “I know something you don’t know.” Sometimes, just to be a jerk, I’ll say, “Oh yeah. Well I know something you don’t know. You’re brother called to tell me he knew something I didn’t know three days ago, so he was ready for my birthday waaaay before you were.”

I know something neither of them knows. I’ll never use this. Ever.

Maybe its childish to taunt loved ones with Christmas but I can’t help it. It’s been ingrained from the time I was in grade school. Try it. Tell someone you’ve bought a gift for that you know something they don’t know. See how they react. If they get all pissy about it you can always take the gift back and downgrade. Let that be a lesson to them!

Thanks for reading. Tell your pals.
Chris Zito


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