“The Cranky One” By Chris Zito

Isn’t five a little young to have a hair across one’s ass?


He didn’t wake up on the wrong side of the bed. More like under it.

Vince had reached his “No!” quota for the day by the time he came downstairs for breakfast.
“Vince, would you like to wear your dinosaur shirt to school today?”
“NO!”
“Would you like some oatmeal for breakfast?”
“NO!”
“Would you like my size 9 slippered foot up your ass, you little shit?”
“NO!”


Luckily, the radiologist was also a father so he understood completely.

Don’t worry, I didn’t threaten the kid. Out loud. He never knew how close he came to needing a foot-ectomy.  After all, I’m the adult. I’m the one who must remain in control of my emotions, guide him through his difficult times, and above all, keep him alive until he’s able to support himself. Or better yet support his mother and I.


Remember, whatever he offers us for breakfast, we shout “NO!”
Payback’s a bitch!

Finally, dressed and sitting at the kitchen table, his mood brightening slightly, Vince announced, “The letter of the week at school is ‘C.'”
Great. He’d moved on. Whatever bug had been up his butt had escaped. My heart rate however remains elevated even as I write this. Five-year-olds get to let it all out. Dads have to try to keep it all in around the kids. But I pity the teller who waits on me this morning.


“Allow me to pay it forward. You have a nice day too, asshole.”

There. I feel better. Say, this blogging business comes in handy some mornings. And it will certainly make for a more pleasant transaction at the bank later.

Thanks for reading. Tell you pals.
Chris Zito

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One Response

  1. Ah the memories this piece evoked…no wonder I’m tired!

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