“Fatten Me Up” by Chris Zito

My wife likes me chubby. I’m convinced she wants me to be overweight and repulsive to other women. I’ve tried reassuring her that I repel women at any weight but she keeps baking anyway.

“Ve haf vays off making you eat!”

I’m down over twenty pounds from my peak weight. I’m also more than thirty pounds from my goal weight. Sugar is my real downfall. That doesn’t exactly separate me from the pack. It’s my supplier that is surprising. My wife loves to bake. She bakes with Vince, our five-year old. She bakes alone. She bakes when we have an occasion to attend and she wants to bring a dessert. She bakes in any time of the day or night. The morning is my favorite. It always takes me back to my “wake and bake” days. Back then I could really put away the cookies!

This pic is almost as fuzzy as my memory of those days.

It’s irresponsible of me to blame my wife for my weight loss being stalled. I’m doing it anyway. If there’s anything I love its finger-pointing. It’s a great American tradition, finger-pointing. Hey, I love a good empty threat as much as the next guy but to really get my juices flowing, give me some finger-pointing any day of the week.

I’m an amateur finger pointer. Some guys have built a career on it.

Kimberly has always vehemently denied trying to sabotage my attempts at weight loss.  “I want you around,” she says. “How can I help?” she asks.
But there are times she’ll come up next to me and rub my belly like a Buddha. “I love your tummy,” she coos. You can’t have it both ways, sister!

“More to love!”  A half a dozen brownies more.

I’m at a crossroads. It’s become obvious that losing weight while living this woman is nearly impossible, in which case I have no choice but to carry a few extra pounds. Now where’s the banana bread?

Thanks for reading. Tell your pals.
Chris Zito


5 Responses

  1. hey is that Rosie with the stach’ and cookies?

  2. Unless Kimberly is going to strip you of your humor, she can’t make you repulsive to women! Like many of us, she figured out long ago that there is nothing sexier than a guy who makes you laugh.

  3. that must be why i keep getting left over goodies because “Chris is going to kill me if I don’t get this stuff out of the house.” That pecan pie was AMAZING! Keep it coming – I’m fat and I love it! LOL

  4. […] since reading about me blaming her for my being fat, my wife has been trying more and more to help me watch my weight. She has taken to stocking the […]

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