“Don’t Bug Me!” By Chris Zito

My wife, that tender, loving mother of one, turns into a homicidal maniac at the sight of a bug. “Kill it! Kill it!”

“Oh dear God in heaven, WHAT IS IT?”
“It’s a fly, honey.”

This command is non-negotiable. I’ve tried to tell her it’s bad luck to kill a spider in the house. “It’s worse luck to be bitten by a spider in the house and have your wife rushed to the hospital while she’s having a nervous breakdown,” she screamed. Tough to argue. One’s an old wives tale, the other is standing right in front of me hyperventilating.

She’d calm down if there were an inhalant in that bag.

My wife and wildlife don’t mix. It’s not that these creepy crawlies disgust her. They terrify her!  She grew up in the concrete jungles of Concord, NH (that’s right, not all of New Hampshire is woods, just most of it) so now that we live in the suburbs she is amazed by the amount of bugs. Flying bugs, crawling bugs, bugs that crawl AND fly, she hates them all. And the woman will settle for nothing less than their destruction.  She wants the spousal equivalent of the old Raid commercials.

My husband kills bugs dead.

Killing it isn’t enough. I have to produce the body. Kimberly wants actual physical evidence that the bug has expired. She’s the judge. I’m the executioner and attending physician who pronounces death.

“He’s dead, Kim!”

She’s in for some rough years now that our son is almost old enough to hit the back door and explore the backyard on his own. The first time he asks her to poke holes in the lid of an old jar he’s going to see a mother he never knew he had.
Or maybe he’ll be able to soften her up a bit. Maybe the sight of him chasing fire flies will lighten her heart. Maybe his big eyes getting all excited over discovering some new creature will thrill her.
Yeah, and maybe Rush Limbaugh will endorse Barack Obama.

Thanks for reading. Tell your pals.
Chris Zito

PS. Bonus for Leonard McCoy fans.


2 Responses

  1. Dammit Kim, I’m a doctor not an exterminator!

  2. I love it! I hate bugs too… there are only a few that I will catch and release… But, I have trained my boys to be my little exterminators. They love killing bugs for me!

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