“Dive In!” By Chris Zito

What takes a grown man hours to accomplish can be undone by a kindergartner in minutes.

Why can’t this kid be inside watching TV like a good American child?

It’s bad enough my kid is too young to help rake leaves yet, he’s also a constant disruption. He doesn’t just dive in. My boy Vince is a runner. He loves to barrel his way through the pile like Rocky Bleier trudging through a goal line defense, leaving it scattered like linebackers who have missed a tackle. See? He’s got.me so upset I’m using two metaphors in one sentence. I’m as anxious as a June bride, a first time father, an ugly guy about to meet his online date for the first time after lying on his profile. Oh God, make it stop!

I’m as flummoxed as a fourth grader in algebra class.

I know you’re reading this and saying, “Come on, Chris. He’s only five. What about the joy of autumn in New England? What about the precious moments watching your little boy grow up and discover his own back yard?” What about you coming over and helping me bags these babies up?

Only 72 more bags and we’re done until next year!

Normally I’d agree with you. I’ve been through this before so I pride myself in seeing each day as special and taking in every moment. But the leaf thing… I hate to admit it but there’s only so much raking per year left in my shoulders. Too much of a lousy thing makes it difficult for me to raise my coffee to my lips the next morning. To try to help I’ve devised the following scheme. Vince gets his own pile. This bright idea was designed to keep him out of the piles Daddy is getting ready to put in bags. Problem is the kid annihilates it so quickly he moves onto mine.  He’s so much faster than me it’s like the Tasmanian Devil running around Bugs Bunny. Dammit, there I go again!

Come to think of it this looks more like me after Vince jumps into my leaf pile!

The truth is after getting over my initial annoyance I can’t hep but smile as I watch him frolic through those leaves. He’s just so darn delighted. He’s a happy kid. Not a care in the world. Sure it makes for more raking but it’s enough to make any father feel like a million bucks.

Thanks for reading. Tell your pals.
Chris Zito


“The Guessers” By Chris Zito

One Halloween practice has joyfully disappeared. Guessing who is who under that mask. Nothing wasted more valuable candy collecting time than people who would drag you into the house and play twenty questions.

Little Suzie wasn’t trying to fool anybody.
She was trying to beat her “door total” from the previous year!

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“The Dad Voice” by Chris Zito

At only five years old, Vince has already mastered the art of tuning out his parents. His mother is virtually powerless over this condition. Me, I have a secret weapon. The Dad Voice!

With only my tone I transform into this guy right before Vince’s eyes.

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“Fatten Me Up” by Chris Zito

My wife likes me chubby. I’m convinced she wants me to be overweight and repulsive to other women. I’ve tried reassuring her that I repel women at any weight but she keeps baking anyway.

“Ve haf vays off making you eat!”

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“One Long Wait” By Chris Zito

Vince officially arrived five years ago yesterday at 8:26 in the morning. His mother, who had waited quite some time to meet him, had to wait until 7:30 that night to do just that.
Vince suffered from merconium aspiration at birth and had been rushed off to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit and pumped with antibiotics. What’s merconium aspiration you ask? In layman’s terms the kid was born full of shit.  No need for a paternity test for this one. He’s mine alright.

The crazy usually doesn’t fall far from the tree.

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“It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like…Halloween?” By Chris Zito

I didn’t get the memo. Apparently Halloween is now a holiday that requires one to completely transform one’s home into a five-star spooky spectacular!

Why wait until December to jack up the electric bill?

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“‘No, I’m Good Right Here” By Chris Zito

It seems five-year olds easily get stuck. Whatever Vince is doing at any moment, he’s into it. No matter what I suggest comes next, he’s not interested. Whether it’s getting out of bed in the morning for school or leaving school at the end of the day the response is the same. “I wanna stay here!”

This kid looks too young to be sleeping it off. Get up already!

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