“I’ll Be You” By Chris Zito

Wonder why fathers spend so much time in the can? Privacy. And you can’t just go in the bathroom. If I’m shaving, or brushing my teeth, or showering I get company. An announcement of my intentions must be made and the door securely locked before I can read the box scores uninterrupted.


“Sanctuary!” I hear ya, pal!

Last night was a perfect example. After supper I jumped in the shower to get ready for work. One of the strange things about being a comedian is the schedule. Most guys get ready for work before their family gets up. Me, I’m hitting the shower while Vince and Kimi busy getting him ready for bed.


And people think I only shave twice a week because I’m lazy.

Okay, so last night as I’m washing my hair I hear Vince’s voice.
“Daddy! Daddy!”
“Yes, Honey?”
“I’m you and you’re me.” With that he whips open the shower curtain and there he stands wearing my glasses. “I’m you and you’re me.” And out of the bathroom he runs, the shower curtain and door wide open in his wake.


Vince really nailed my porn mustache phase.

His “man” voice floats in from the hallway. “Hurry up, son. It’s time for bed. I’m the Daddy!”
I can’t help but chuckle as I towel off. He bursts into the room. “I said to get your pajamas on! How many times do I have to tell you?” He’s shaking his finger at me, giving me the full effect. I decide to play along and maybe set an example.
“Alright, Daddy. I’m sorry. I’ll get my pjs on right away.”
“You said that an hour ago,” he shouts. My glasses are now askew on his reddening face. “You’re this close to a time out, Mr!” If only.


Timeout? I should be so lucky!

It struck me that Vince was being a little hard on me. Is that how he hears me? And I thought I had mellowed with age. Guess I’m still the bad cop. So I played my role up even more.
“Mommy? Can I have a treat?” I asked Kimi.
“Sure, sweetie. Let’s go downstairs and Mommy will get you a cookie.”
Vince/Daddy stood fuming with no recourse. Welcome to my world, kid.

Thanks for reading. Tell your pals.
Chris Zito

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One Response

  1. Ah, really a good one–particularly good visuals!!!

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