“Last Call, Kid” by Chris Zito

Author’s Note: This is a reissue and reworking of a column I wrote five years ago in the early days of the blogosphere. Much like my reissue of “Buttons” little has changed, except my hairline and the state of my knees. Oh, and I’ve add the images and captions.

Kimi and I went to the obligatory breastfeeding class before Vince was born. The class was surprisingly funny and informative.  All the same, I’ve rarely discussed breasts in the company women other than my wife. Did I say rarely? I meant never. Ever. Really, Kimi, if you’re reading this…oh too late now.

Call me heterosexual, I just find them hypnotic.

The teacher’s first question was, “How long do you plan on breastfeeding your baby?” Most of the women answered anywhere from six months to a year. Here is my favorite exchange of the night:
Female Student: I know a woman who has a five-year-old son who still breastfeeds!
Teacher: And I’m sure he’s well adjusted.
FS: I don’t see how!

Everyone in the class thought this was hilarious. Except for the teacher and the pregnant lady with the first grader at her breast.

A lady from La Leche had them in a wringer over all the laughing.

How long is too long? First, let’s consider how long it takes this whole thing to get going. In the National Geographic specials, babies of all species are born and cling to their mother’s breast with a fervor that cries, “Ah, nature! Ah, the animal instinct! Ah—ouch, that looks like it hurts!”

Skipping even one class can create tremendous confusion.

In real life new babies don’t know anything about anything. And first time mommies hear so much different stuff they hardly know where to begin. The lactation consultant at the hospital taught us one thing, but the nurse who has three children explained things completely differently, and even the lady that brought the lunch tray threw in her two cents. “Massage your breasts clockwise.” Good lord. Does that change next month when we turn the clocks back?

Remember to keep your hands to yourself while your wife is breastfeeding.

We decided it’s a good rule of thumb that if your kid is asking to be breastfed she’s probably too old to be. And if your son is throwing Mardi Gras beads at you when he wants lunch, stop immediately!

Spring break is no place for Mom.

Thanks for reading. Tell your pals.
Chris Zito


2 Responses

  1. I bet u had a nice time researching the boob photos. 🙂

  2. HAHA! the mardi gras beads got me!!!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: