“She’s Not Impressed” by Chris Zito

Last week I walked into the laundry room and saw Kimi wringing clothes out by hand as she took them out of the washer. What next? I thought, is she going to take them down to the river and beat them with a stick?

Everything she imagined married life would be and less.

I put in a call to Archie the appliance guy. He’s a good guy and we trust him. He sold me a part for the dryer a few weeks ago. Yeah, I fixed the dryer myself. Don’t look so surprised, dryers are easy. It’s just a heater thingy and a turning thingy. The dryer was getting hot, but not turning. I fixed the turning thingy. If it was turning with no heat, I’d fix the heater thingy. Simple. Not to mention that fact that my wife was actually impressed with something I did. The longer we’re married the harder that is to pull off. A wife’s admiration for her husband’s accomplishments decline in direct proportion to amount of times she’s seen him clip his toe nails.

I’m WAY past toenail clippers.

Women love funny guys. My wife is no exception. She  saw me perform before we ever actually met and thought I was hilarious. Then we started dating and she thought I was very funny. We got engaged and started living together and she found me amusing. We got married and she just rolls her eyes at me every time I crack wise, which is often.

Do you have to do a tight five minutes for the sitter?

You would think a professional comedian wouldn’t get this treatment. You’d be mistaken. I still remember the way she used to look at me when I came off stage after a great set. She was really impressed. As the years went by she began to see comedy as I often see it: a job. Most wives are happy when their husband does his job well and brings home some dough so the bills get paid but they don’t make a big fuss about it. You won’t find the spouse of a banker fawning over him at the end of the day. “Oh, sweetie, the way you closed that loan…let’s go upstairs right now! Dinner can wait!”

Ask me for my former employer’s address again.

When I do what I’m paid to do, what I’m expected to do, it makes sense that she just considers it a part our life. But when I fix the dryer-the dryer, people! A major appliance!!! She reacts just like I would imagine Archie’s wife does if he tells a really funny joke at dinner.

Thanks for reading. Tell your pals.
Chris Zito


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