“Dumbass” by Chris Zito

I’m not too hard on myself. I give my self permission to pull one really dumbass move per month. Right now I’m all set until October.

Earlier this week while driving home from New York, I stopped at a rest area and promptly locked my keys in the car.

I went into the convenience store and explained my predicament to the woman behind the counter.
“What can we do about it?” She asked. She wasn’t trying to be mean. It was effortless.
“Do you have the non emergency local number for the state police?”
She gave it to me and when I called the trooper said, “Call this number. It’s for a towing company.” Translation: “What can we do about it?”

Since my wallet was locked in the car with my keys, I had to call my wife so she could call AAA. She was much more helpful than the woman in the convenience store.
The AAA van arrived and a young man got out with his  “help this poor dumbass into his  car” tools. “How are you, sir?”
“Not great.” I replied, Used up my one dumbass move for the month and it’s only the 3rd.”
It took him all of three minutes to get me into my car and I was on my way.


“I’ve known this guy for 30 seconds and I think he should up his quota.”

I got home about an hour later than expected, but all in all was none the worse for wear. I had to do a show that night so after a quick nap I got up for dinner and made myself an iced coffee. For those of you not from New England, you may not realize what a beautiful little moment this was on such a long, busy day. A suppertime iced coffee is a ticket to success for the rest of the day. It’s a guarantee that all will be well.


It’s late afternoon pick-me-up porn!

Vince and I walked downstairs to the man cave. I was carrying a snack for him, and my iced coffee with my phone perched across the iced coffee. Of course I know that was a bad idea now, Mr. and Ms. 20-20 hindsight! Let me finish! As I descended the stairs my phone slipped and descended into my iced coffee.  In a matter of a second and a half I had the phone out of the coffee and taken apart. After drying it as best I could I put it back together. It…it..well, it’s too awful to recount in detail here. Suffice it to say a trip to phone store was in order where they pronounced my beloved Droid dead and ordered me a new one. All for the low, low deductible of $89.


My phone was too far gone for the rice remedy.

And so you see, having already used up my dumbass move for August up earlier in the day, I am now faced with having used up September’s as well. Another day like this one and I’ll be covered until the holidays.

Thanks for reading. Tell your pals.
Chris Zito

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7 Responses

  1. oh, man, congratulations! that was hilarious. enjoyed strategic use of BOLDFACE.

  2. Forget the Droid, was the coffee okay?

  3. Ugh SUCK! I had my wet blackberry pronouced “dead” paid my low deductable (90) and it was working again by the time the new phone showed up. I got to return the new one, get my deductable back and keep the new battery for free!!!

  4. LOL… good one. 🙂

  5. so funny! how long did you try the rice? I’ve seen phones dropped in toilets (EW) come back to life, but I guess the droid couldn’t handle the caffine! LOL! you are lucky to have the protection plan, or it would’ve been A LOT more money!

  6. Hahha… that’s where Bayley gets it. If she isn’t locking her keys into or out of something, she’s spilling coffee on something else. I’ve seen her spill coffee on her keys before.

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