“The Grass Is Never Greener, Period” by Chris Zito

I’ve spent the last four years trying to get my front lawn to fill in with rich green grass. I have failed.

Kimi and I didn’t purchase someone’s home. We bought the house from flippers. The guys who flipped it kept a gigantic dumpster in the front yard for two and half years. I’m telling you right now: that’s made it almost impossible to grow grass there. At least that’s what I’ve been telling my neighbors for the last four years.

Long term damage to what was once at least a mediocre lawn.

The first spring I dutifully went out and prepped the front lawn. I raked it, fertilized it, aerated it and planted the seed. Then I watered. And watered. And waited. And watered. Finally they arrived! Those tiny little blades started to sprout with the promise of a lush, green, inviting lawn.

It was only a matter of time.

Weeks passed. The watering and the waiting continued. The guy across the street complimented me on my perseverance.
Actually he finally came over one day and said, “Christ, you don’t give up do you?” and walked away shaking his head.

Oh yeah? Who cares what you think, pal! Like I live for your approval!

The next year brought a different technique. I used that patch stuff that has the fertilizer mixed in with the seed. You know, the stuff that looks like soggy shredded newspaper when it’s been watered. And watered. And waited on. And watered. Nothing. My lawn started to look like we were planning on having all the neighborhood kids over to make paper mache statues of the idiots that left the dumpster in the yard for so long!

If you see this man, report him to House Beautiful.

Year three. I found this stuff that was guaranteed to grow, “even on concrete!” Really? Maybe that’s where I should have planted it, because it went nowhere fast out on the ground! I began to feel the eyes of my neighbors upon me from behind drawn curtains. Their mix of pity and contempt rained down on me like…like…like my sprinkler on that goddamn front lawn! I felt like a suburban outcast.

Abner! That man is watering again! Abner? Abner!*

This year I kept it simple. I decided if grass grows, it grows. If it doesn’t it, it doesn’t. It didn’t.

Thanks for reading. Tell your pals.
Chris Zito

*For those who don’t recognize Gladys Kravitz form “Bewitched” in the above photo…

Typical Kravitz moments starting at 2:55


5 Responses

  1. you poor poor soul ….. im putting my foot down and demanding you go buy some fake grass … lol this patch is beyond saving at any cost lol.or plastic and make a raised small garden bed with flowers ….

  2. It’s not the grass. You got bad dirt. Excavate, dispose of the bad dirt and back fill with new loam. ;^)) Or not.

  3. fake grass i tell ya . live it large n go fake . no one will even notice lol

  4. does this mean you will finally stop standing out there in your underwear every day praying to the grass god?? HE HE!!!!

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