The Big 5-0! by Chris Zito

Fifty is the first birthday where everyone makes jokes about your age. Not just youngsters, everyone. And apparently 50 is when you start using the word “youngsters.”

It’s certainly a time to reflect on one’s life. The parts one can remember anyway. If you’re lucky you can spend your 50th birthday surrounded by loved ones like I did. They took a tremendous amount of joy giving me canes and “old geezer” hats and all the usual gags. Guy turns 21, people buy him drinks and get him a stripper. Guy turns 50, people give a box of adult diapers and laugh their asses off. Gee, it’s hard to understand why people don’t like getting older.

Many of them also went out of their way to say, “You look great.” When a man tells another man he looks great, he’s either ready to come out, or one of them is getting old.
In my case, having been openly heterosexual for years now, it’s most likely the latter. I won’t have that many people commenting on how great I look again until my wake.  Maybe I’ll insist on being buried with my “old geezer” hat on.

It’s true that I look younger than my age. Always have. My father is 86 and could pass for 70. He didn’t have any gray in his hair until his mid sixties.  Having Sicilian olive skin makes me seem tan all year round without having to bake in the sun and look leathery. Clean living certainly helps, but mostly it’s the genes. The only way you can really tell that I’m now 50 is if I drop my pants. My balls hang down practically to my knees now. We’ve grown apart, my balls and I. They winter in Florida. My sack has a time share in Naples.

old balls

And it’s only going to get worse. At this rate, I’ll have to put them in a sling to sit on the john if I don’t want them to dip into the water like a teabag. That’s the little known secret about old guy bathrooms. They put up the railings and install the so-called “handicapped” toilet to make people think they have trouble sitting and standing. Really, it’s to avoid the tea-bagging.

Oh yeah, that’s another thing about old guys. They say things no one wants to hear and really don’t give a shit anymore.

Thanks for reading. Tell your pals.
Chris Zito


4 Responses

  1. Haha… wow, Chris. After reading this, I now know you on a totally different level. Haha.

  2. This is glorious. You are the 2nd Zito to have a blog about fatherhood!

    What am I supposed to say now? You look great…?

  3. Hey, your daughter’s friends read this! Although, she could tell you stories about the absolutely salty language that came out of my mouth while I was pregnant. I think being pregnant is like turning 50, except that instead of dangling balls… well… I’ll leave it at that! Happy birthday Bayley’s Dad! *hugs*

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