It’s No Surprise by Chris Zito

My wife loves surprises. She loves being surprised. She loves surprising people. Sometimes she purposely forgets things so she’ll be surprised!

Unfortunately, her big plan to surprise me on my 50th birthday got squashed!

I came home after a gig the other night, sat down at the computer, jiggled the mouse to get rid of the screen saver, and there it was…

Oops. The cat was instantly out of the bag. Naturally, she was very upset. Me, not so much. She’s the one in the family that likes surprises. I’m the one in the family that is almost obsessive about my schedule, my diet, my clothes, the time the newspaper arrives, the thermostat, the DVR settings, and when I take my nappy on Sundays.
Predictability. Sameness. Routine. Love it.

I’m the Nomar Garciapparra of Metro West.

It was sort of sad, she had been so excited about the idea. But let’s face it, she doesn’t have the experience of looking at something on the computer and then hiding it from her spouse. Married men reading this have almost certainly perfected the practice by now. Guys have long since learned to delete history, empty caches, get rid of temporary files, you name it. And don’t sit there like I’m alone on this. You guys know what I’m talking about!

I’m not condoning it, I’m not denouncing it, I’m just pointing it out. It’s like so many other differences in a marriage.
If a woman asks her husband how she looks, she expects the same answer every time (no surprises allowed here!), but its fine for her to look at him and say, “You’re not wearing that are you?”
The internet is like that. Some things most women don’t look at. And some things most men do.

Sorry I ruined your big surprise, honey. But I saw something online the other night that gave me an idea of what you can give me for my birthday!

Thanks for reading. Tell your pals.
-Chris Zito



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